


Fear Me Not

by freesiafields



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Boarding School, Boys In Love, Break Up, Broken Engagement, Bullying, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Childhood Memories, Complicated Relationships, Declarations Of Love, Domestic Fluff, Engagement, Established Relationship, Fear, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Male Character, Healthy Relationships, Husbands, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M, One Night Stands, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Queen (Band), Requited Love, True Love, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:47:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27493708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freesiafields/pseuds/freesiafields
Summary: Jim: What's your biggest fear?Freddie: You.Jim: Me?Freddie: I'm scared that one day you'll look in the mirror and see yourself as I see you. You'll realize just how amazing you are and that you deserve better than me... I'm afraid that you'll leave.
Relationships: Jim Hutton/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 11
Kudos: 31





	Fear Me Not

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the second fic from Freddie's POV. The first one I wrote got some truly amazing comments so I tried to write something similar to that. This fic is inspired by a Tumblr post I saw a couple of months ago. I hope you'll like it 💗💕
> 
> (Sorry if my grammar is screwed, I haven't written anything in two months)

Freddie's POV:

"What's your biggest fear?" my husband Jim asked me.

I wanted to answer right away:  _ spiders _ . But the word remained stuck in my throat without making any sound. This quite ordinary question made me think. I never thought about my fears. I always tried to push them away, to ignore them. This question has triggered something inside of me. I had a feeling like my whole life flew before my eyes. It threw me back to my childhood and back to when I was a young adult, and returned me to the present moment in a spin of a second.

When I was a child, I was afraid of going to a new school. I had a fear of an unfamiliar environment, and unknown children and teachers. I somehow managed to cope with that by taking piano lessons. I was very good at boxing, and table tennis. With all those activities in my schedule, my time spent in boarding school was passing a little bit faster and I knew that the day when I would go home to my parents and sister will come soon. Little by little, I get used to a life without parents, aunts, or relatives who would take care of me. Despite everything that happened to me at such an early age, I learned to be independent and to stand up for myself. Maybe I was withdrawn, always in a corner of the room, or chilling alone in the schoolyard, but I was no longer afraid of bullies.

When I was a teenager, all my childhood fears seemed silly to me when I looked back at them from a new perspective. Now, some new fears have emerged, such as the fear of moving to a new country. Or the fear of having no friends there. The fear of finding a new job and standing on my own two feet. Every day I looked for a job in newspapers, and I prayed to God not to find it. I was thinking about what awaits me in the future. I was afraid of uncertainty. All I knew was that I wanted to be a performer. A musician. But I didn’t know where to start. I fought one fear at a time. The fear of not being able to find new friends I conquered by going to gigs at local pubs every night and meeting new people there. Although I was still terribly shy and could not immediately open up to others and start a conversation. Not to mention that I haven't let anyone get to know every side of my personality. I forced myself to be in crowded places where I will be seen. I was noticed by two students, Roger and Brian. Soon, I left another fear behind me. I found friends and at the same time, I found a dream job. A bright future awaited me with a newly formed band called Queen.

When I started dating girls I was afraid of what I really was. I had a secret that I have been hiding inside of me for many years. I battled with my sexuality. I was afraid of how it would affect not only my girlfriend but all the people around me. My family and my bandmates. I didn't want to be the way I was. Every night I would say my prayers to wake up and be normal, like everybody else. I hurt everyone around me, even myself. My secret made me insecure even more than I used to be. I wanted to scream and let everyone know that I am gay. I even got engaged to a girl and I was ready to marry her just to prove to myself that there is nothing wrong with me and that I wasn't anything different from the others. I realized that my lies had been growing every day all these years, like a snowball that is rolling down a mountain. My snowball was already so big that it threatened to suffocate me under its weight. My shoulders and back were heavy from the burden I was diligently accumulating in order not to hurt anyone with my "abnormality" as they used to call it back then. I couldn't take it anymore and I confessed everything that was laying on my chest, first to my fiancée and then to the band members. It wasn't like it didn't leave any scars on them. I shattered many hearts and dreams with just a few words. I felt naked and exposed now when I didn't have any secrets but also liberated. I was ready to start my new life and my very first real relationship. With a man.

After my first boyfriend, I had a second, who was followed by the third. And I had many other boys and men in between. None of my relationships worked. I had a clear picture in my head of how I wanted my relationship to look like. I over-romanticized everything. It had nothing to do with real life. I wanted someone who could fulfill my every whim, follow my crazy life tempo, and be always by my side. In a way, I wanted my boyfriend to leave all his responsibilities, his friends, his job, and his home behind just to be with me wherever I go. I wanted a gay relationship that would last for years, for the rest of our lives maybe. Although, I couldn’t imagine anyone would like to be with me until death do us part. Everyone would eventually leave me. None of them tried to break my shell and meet the real me. I was afraid I would be forever alone. That I will die alone, unloved, forgotten, and unwanted. My choice of men has always been wrong. I ended up having several toxic relationships behind me. I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I thought everyone behaved like that in relationships. I learned that if you want to feel loved you have to feel a burning slap of someone's hand on your cheek or to be knocked against the wall. It became the norm for me. I almost forgot how to give and receive someone’s attention and love healthily. I was afraid of how it would affect my future relationships and that I might become the toxic one. I was afraid of abandonment. I still had trust issues. That's why I focused on one night stands for a while. Someone's hands would hold me, hug me, and love me. But I would wake up alone in the morning. Soon, that was no longer enough for me. I wanted to share my life, and everything it brings, with someone. Destiny heard my cries. It sent me Jim at the place and time where I least expected to find him.

Jim proved to be wonderful from the very start. It took me a while to get used to it. At the beginning of our relationship, it was as if I was subconsciously trying to drive him away from me. I deliberately made him jealous. I would start arguing for absolutely no reason. I was sure that he would, like all my boyfriends before him, turn his back on me. But he did nothing but love me dearly. He would tell me several times a day how much he loves me. He would show me that as well. But not by showering me with expensive gifts. Not by slapping me on the cheek or slamming me against the wall or door. Everything he would do for me came from his heart. Even the smallest of things. Such as little kittens, four-leaf clovers, or buying me ice cream. I was afraid that I am not showing him love the way he deserved.

He was a big softie at heart despite his rustic appearance. He would be happy with the tiniest things in life. He had a soft voice that made me calm so many times when I felt panicked or distressed. I could talk to him about anything. Or I could just sit with him on the couch without saying a word. I was comfortable to stay with him even in utter silence. He had his job as a hairdresser and later as a gardener. He never relied on me for money. I loved his independence. He traveled with me everywhere. He would always have that proud look in his eyes when he watched me performing and a huge smile on his lips. His strong arms would always wait for me to hug me when I come off the stage, and when we lay down in bed in the evening. He was mild by nature and didn't pay much attention to my whims. He stood firmly on the ground with both of his feet. He was not carried away by my fame, nor did he brag to his friends that he has a celebrity boyfriend. He kept me on the ground so that my head wasn't too much up in the clouds. He never forgot my birthday, Valentine’s Day, or our anniversary. He gave me a gold ring that symbolizes our marriage. I was happy with him. For me, he didn't have any flaws or bad habits. He only had the best qualities I could ask for. But he alone didn't seem to be aware of his qualities. He was very modest in everything. Starting from his physical appearance. He reminded me of Burt Raynolds and probably many would give anything in this world to be in a relationship with him or to just sleep with him for one night, but he never looked at other men. I still couldn't get that voice out of my head that I don't deserve him. I was aware that I was not the most beautiful man in the world. I was also too tiny, skinny, and short for his taste. Besides, our personalities were so opposite. At first glance, it seemed like we had nothing in common. I thought he would get bored of me one day and that he would find someone better. I was still living in fear that one day I would see him with a suitcase in his hand leaving through the door and never coming back.

I was still thinking about Jim's question when I finally turned to him, looked him in the eyes, and said: "My biggest fear is you."

He looked at me with a confused look on his face.

"Me?" Jim asked. "Why are you afraid of me, Freddie? I'm not that scary," he said with a slightly crooked smile that I loved so much because I could see his cute dimples.

"I'm scared that one day you'll look in the mirror and see yourself as I see you. You'll realize just how amazing you are and that you deserve better than me... I'm afraid you'll leave." I said trying to prevent my tears from dwelling in my eyes but I miserably failed.

"Wh- What? Freddie, what are you talking about? You can't be serious. That's ridiculous, darling! Why would I leave you for God's sake? I want to be with you… forever. I call you my husband. I love you with all my heart after all those years. And I don't think I will ever stop loving you. You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I am not going anywhere." He took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles. He brushes my wedding ring with his thumb.

"That's what they all said before, and they all left me heartbroken. I don't question your love for me. Because I feel it every day in your every gesture and word. And I love you very much. But I am afraid I am not…" I started to explain.

"I didn't give you this ring for no reason, Freddie. It's a vow of my love for you. We're in this together no matter what. For good and bad, remember? I am not like other guys you dated when you were younger. And I am certainly nothing like Winnie. I'm not going anywhere. Where you are going I follow."

"Will we spend the rest of our lives together? Shall we grow old together?" I asked.

"Of course we will. Don't be silly." He answered.

I cuddled next to him hugging him tightly like I was making sure he will not disappear miraculously but will stay right there with me in my arms. 

"You're so clingy like a cat. Your fondness for me makes me feel very special. I'd never know anyone wants my affection so much. I would be crazy to leave you! God!" He said, stroking my hair with his fingers and pressing his cheek hard against my forehead.

I was fighting my fears one at a time. And it seemed to me like I was winning the battle with this one.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr: freesiafields.tumblr.com


End file.
